Like everyone, I was shaped by my upbringing. My parents gave me a stable home and loved me in their reserved, Midwestern way. I had fun on the playground, made friends, and avoided fights with the tough kids. I tried to be good, stay in line, but my boisterous nature often took over. My enthusiasm was encouraged by some teachers, shamed by others. I took the praise of adults to be the measure of my talents. I got sick and got well, watched relatives grow old and sometimes die, walked through seasons of sunshine and rain.
None of this is surprising; everyone has their version. At the time, I thought I was just living day to day, I didn’t realize my past was setting the direction of my future. Each experience was teaching me what was expected, how to get by. I was like a sapling, pushing out roots, stretching toward the sun, ocean winds bending the trunk. As time flows, the wood hardens into the shape of the early pressures.
The past leaves a mark, but is not a tree’s destiny, nor mine. Growth happens at the tips, where the leaves are fresh. The saddest thing about the shape I took are the false beliefs about myself that were hidden in the grain, beliefs I’ve had to unlearn, am still unlearning:
I can’t be angry, or let others be angry
Be nice, please everyone
I’m not attractive
I’ve got to show I’m smart
There is never enough
Stay busy
Numbing out is better than feeling what’s here
Keep laughing, don’t show where you hurt
Eating will make me feel better
I’m unlovable
Unlearning is a liberating process, but painful. I’ve revisited the twisted trunk and sat with each of these beliefs, held them close, felt them burn. To push them away just delays the reckoning. I’ve found that when I welcome them and feel the pain that put them there, it’s easier to see the old beliefs for what they are – protective garments I knit when I was young and have outgrown.
My old beliefs don’t drop quickly, and maybe never completely. I’m still warped in places. The learning happened randomly, the unlearning takes effort. But my roots are stronger now, my branches are still reaching out, leaves green, searching for the sunlight.
Photo by Leo_Visions on Unsplash