I started out wanting to be enlightened. I had an image in my mind of what that would look like. I would be a sage, wiser and kinder than my current self, who I often found to be distracted, petty, angry or anxious.
I also had an image in my mind of how the process of becoming enlightened would work. I would follow the practices that develop the qualities of an enlightened sage. I would work hard, I would improve, and I would arrive. I would be the changed person I imagined. I would be better.
I thought that a spiritual road takes you to a place, and the place was what was important. The hard work of walking was the way to get to the desired destination.
There were a couple of damaging assumptions hidden in my approach. The first was a false belief that I had to become better at all, that I was not good enough as I was. Although I never stated it this way, the path to enlightenment was my way to avoid the self I didn’t like and make a new self that was worthy of love, appreciation, and respect. Enlightenment was my escape hatch from a place in my inner psyche that terrified me, that had convinced me I did not belong, I would always be alone, rejected, because I was inferior.
How silly. Not just silly, it was corrosive to my soul. My striving for enlightenment, improvement, betterment, nurtured the seeds of self-loathing because as long as I did not match the image of the wise and kind sage, I was deficient. I labored too long under that misconception, and still do in some measure. A small voice will sometimes whisper to me, “Steve, don’t believe it. You’re not there yet. You’re not really lovable. If people find out, it will all come crashing down.” It hurts to admit that this voice is still here, throwing pebbles and heckling me.
The other unproductive belief I had was that the destination of the spiritual road was the important part. It’s true that walking the road leads you somewhere, and you do change along the way, but I did not know when I started that the walking is the main thing. The walking is not just a vehicle for traveling to a place of change, it is the test tube where the alchemy happens. I am not taking steps to arrive at a future me. Walking the steps is what uncovers me, reveals me, awakens me to something that was always true about me.
Over the years, my spiritual approach has shifted. My emphasis now is love and awareness. Love fills every step, including the first step. The starting place is steeped in love. My current physical expression is a spark initiated eons ago, worthy of love, immersed in love, an embodiment of love. My first rule of the spiritual road is to have sympathy for myself, to love this manifestation that is me who is walking a difficult road.
My second rule is to be grateful for the road, to love the walking itself. That is a hard pill to swallow at times. Walking the road means slowing down and becoming more aware. It is about being present at every step, the bright and beautiful along with the dark and terrifying. It means being willing to face the anxieties, insults, and bruises life throws at me along the way. To love the road is not to always enjoy each step, but to realize each step leads to fulfillment in a way that avoiding pain cannot.
My third rule is to love others. All of them. To extend the same sympathy to them that I have for myself. The world is not divided into worthy and unworthy people, that is part of the old, corrosive thinking we were all taught. Every person I encounter is somewhere on the same road we are all walking. If they frustrate me, I try to see that they are not at their best right now; they don’t remember they are loveable as they are; they are not capable in this moment of being present with their fears.
My current understanding is that I am walking the road to expand this love of self, love of path, and love of others. I am not walking to be better, I am walking to be more thoroughly me as an expression of love.
Do I still want to be enlightened? Yes, I admit there is an echo of that. But it is something I let happen in flashes, if it will and as it wants. I occupy a softer stance of walking and allowing, instead of striving and chasing. I look more at the step just in front of me: how am I living this moment? What fear is nagging at my heel? What contraction wants to close me down? How can I meet the person in front of me with kindness? Where does love want to go right now?
Photo by Manas Manikoth on Unsplash