When I was young, I had an idea of what it meant to be a man. A man was strong, brave, capable, direct. When he set his sights on something, he achieved it. He had a moral code that worked for good. He stood up for people, he righted wrongs. He spoke his mind. These were good attributes, and still are, for what a man can be. The image was of a hero.
This image of the good, strong man was everywhere. I saw it on TV, at the movies, and in the men in my family and neighborhood who were my role models. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be strong and good.
But there were times I could not live up to this idea. Bigger, tougher boys picked on me. I learned early on that I was not good at schoolyard fights. I felt weak, ashamed, and afraid. My shame boiled in a stew of anger, but I had no place to put my rage. To direct it at the bullies was too dangerous, so my burning anger went sideways in two directions. One was inward, a self-loathing for my failure to be a man. The other was downward, as I found younger, weaker boys to pick on. I took my trouble and passed it on.
Now I had failed at being a man twice. I was not strong, and I was not good. I was not righting wrongs, I was asserting power to make myself feel better. I was not a hero, I was just another villain.
My history is similar to that of many men. They have an idea of what a man should be, but when they fail, due to circumstances within or beyond their control, they feel anger and shame. The natural desire for autonomy and respect turns rancid, misshapen into a grasping need for control. The negative aspects of masculinity come out: aggression, recklessness, arrogance, and emotional shut-down.
Perhaps that is what is happening with men in society today. As times have changed, a growing segment of men feel displaced and unable to meet the standards they think define their role. We are experiencing an outbreak of hyper-masculinity. Failing to meet the image has led to an overcompensation of negative qualities. Strength means being able to crush your opponents; aggression becomes violence; emotional reserve becomes lack of empathy and cruelty. These attributes are not being restrained, they are celebrated in a culture of bloated manliness.
But the image we were given was always an impossible standard, a black-and-white stereotype, paper-thin and incomplete. The image needs to grow up and round out into what an evolved man can be in the twenty-first century, where bravery includes the courage to admit mistakes; where strength is confident without needing to diminish others; where emotions are valued and relationships are mutual. Men need to reimagine the desire to provide and protect, extending it into the more complete role of caretaker. The capacity to defend, and even to sacrifice, must expand into caring for more people, more beings, and the planet as a whole – a role of service to all.
The key to this evolution is self-awareness. Growth requires that we confront the fears and conflicting dynamics that stalk our psyches, not hide from them or project them outward. Instead of blaming others, men need to take responsibility for their own growth and the development of their inner resilience in the face of change.
If we can make this leap, I believe we can create an updated image of what it means to be a man, one that looks like a true hero.
This logic, of course, applies to all roles handed to us by society. Women are also told how they should look and act, doctors are expected to have the answers, soldiers adopt a warrior mentality, business leaders strive to bend the future for private gain. Self-awareness is vital to maturing the images of all the roles we’ve been given.
Photo by Simone Pellegrini on Unsplash
Wonderful ideas/suggestions. I just worry that the men in power in our government have no connection to this kind of thinking in any way, shape or form. But I think that means the rest of us have to keep on with this way of thinking and action!
Yes, we can’t control others, but we can (try) to manage our own responses.