I feel a quiet joy in sitting with my dad today. On many days, he mostly sleeps, and my visits are a reminder of his continuing decline. But today, he is talkative and deeply engaged in telling me a story from his past.
What he is talking about is not clear. Parts of it sound like a story I have heard him tell about how, as a young man, he would help an uncle gather his small dairy herd for milking. It’s hard to follow the thread. Dad’s words are sometimes garbled, his train of thought is broken into pieces that don’t connect. His phrases repeat or trail off into soft sounds. If I ask a question, it’s too much for his brain to process. He looks at me blankly, my question floats past, and he returns to telling the story.
There is, of course, great sadness as I watch my father wander in his dementia. There is also acceptance that this is what the last phase of his life looks like, a life that was blessed in many ways. And there are also moments of warmth and connection, like today when he is awake and active. I have taken to cherishing these days.
Dad is animated, fully involved in the story. His mannerisms, gestures, the rise of his eyebrows when he chuckles, are all so familiar to me, it feels like he is back. This is dad. I stop asking questions, and instead just offer words of agreement, like, “Wow,” “Really?” “Yeah,” “That’s amazing.” He changes voices for the different characters in the story. I can tell when the cadence and pitch of his voice are cresting toward a punch line, and we laugh together.
The content of what he is saying doesn’t matter. Our tender exchange in this moment is beyond the meaning of the words. The essence of our relationship is all right here. I am listening to my dad spin a yarn, and it is the listening that is important.
This might be true of most of our conversations. Under the meaning of our words is the meaning of relatedness. More than sharing information, we want our relationships to share meaning. Listening, attending to, giving our time and attention, that is what demonstrates our care for each other. Understanding the content is the least of it.
That’s what I have with dad today. We are having a great conversation about … something. What? I’m not sure. It doesn’t matter. We are together in a story, listening, laughing, having a good day.
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