I usually see my path as it advances, eyes forward, looking to see what insights might be waiting up ahead. Every so often, it is helpful to look back and see the distance traveled. I recently did a deep dive reflection that included this question:
“Has there been a time when something you believed about God, the Divine, spirituality, or the meaning of life changed profoundly? What happened, and what emerged from that experience?”
Memories come flooding back.
I see the small-town church where I was raised. It was a loving place. There was no fire and brimstone, only the Gospel preached by a mysterious rabbi who wandered the plains of Palestine, imploring people to be more forgiving than resentful, to care for the stranger, to love their neighbor. I marveled at his courage and wisdom, and tried to follow the path he laid out. I believed; I was confirmed; I was active in youth ministry; I felt held and loved. This was where my spiritual yearnings were first awakened.
That life was my foundation, and so when the belief scaffold began to crumble under the weight of reason, it was a hard fall. I could not reconcile the inner presence I felt with Christian tenets that said salvation required specific beliefs. Jesus told me to forgive transgressions continually, not seven times, but seventy times seven. How could such boundless forgiveness be a commandment if God could not abide a person’s honest convictions? The contradictions mounted. I asked questions, but the theological answers I was given were dry, detached from the experience of love I had thought was the heart of Christianity.
I had the sinking feeling I had been duped. I was shattered and ashamed. I felt a burning humiliation that all the talk of Jesus and God and love had been a canard, a puff of air wrapped in pretty words. It left a skeptical streak in me I carry to this day. But I still heard the call of a spiritual impulse, and so I explored many paths in search of understanding: humanism, Taoism, Buddhism, psychology, therapy, martial arts, dream work, crystals, tarot, shamans, psychedelics, channels, subtle energy, and, surprisingly, a return to Christianity through the door of mysticism.
The second half of the question lingers: “what emerged from that experience?” The blueprint for my searching ever since. Even as I explore, I maintain a skeptical eye. I am quick to sample from the aisles, but slow to make a purchase. I have honed an inner knowing that pairs curiosity with bullshit detector to winnow wheat from chaff.
The teachings of Christianity, or any source, were never meant to be read as an instruction manual. True answers are not that easy, true beliefs are not that fixed. To come alive, our beliefs need to be molded to our inner shape through our lived experience, dilemma by dilemma. The choices we make either align with something true and sing within us, or miss the mark and hit a note off-key. The more we look to this inner knowing, the more the shape fills out, and the better our discernment becomes.
Until I saw the question, I had forgotten how this works. That is the power of periodic, deep reflection.
I want to thank my colleague, mentor, and dear friend, Dr. Veronika Tracy-Smith, who allowed me early access to her Soul Reflection Project questionnaire.
Veronika has opened this questionnaire to the public. You can do your own deep dive reflection with her beautifully crafted questions here.
Photo by Pradamas Gifarry on Unsplash